Angels and Cherubs Stickers: 24 Full Color Pressure Sensitive Designs (Pocket-Size Sticker Collections) (Paperback)

January 3rd, 2009 by Me
Angels and Cherubs Stickers: 24 Full-Color Pressure-Sensitive Designs
Not ultra-thin, but they do have wings.

by Barbara Steadman (Author)

I’d like to begin with a warning. These fuckers, excuse me, angels and cherubs are pressure-sensitive. Now, normally I wouldn’t care, nor would I expect anything different from angels and cherubs. I mean, these aren’t stickers of rock solid unicorns, hooves thundering as they gallop menacingly across a harsh rainbow valley. Nor are they stickers of flowers, engorged stamens and pistils standing erect in a sticky sea of pollen that would make a florist weep and a nun swoon. Hell, they aren’t even stickers of David Archuletta. But, they are stickers, after all, and I don’t care how uncomfortable you feel smashing these adorable little winged, naked babies under your thumb, if you want to stick them to something, you have to apply some degree of pressure. And believe me; you’ll want to stick them just about everywhere.

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O-pinions

January 1st, 2009 by Me

This is the section for O-pinions. What’s an O-pinion, you ask? Well, you know the word “opinion?” It’s like that. I just used a little poetic license to jazz up the appearance and to maybe evoke some Oprah connotations. Some capitalization… hyphenation… look, I’m not going to explain it to you. Suffice to say, you need a license to do what I do. Also, next time when you have a question, leave a comment on the site, or send an e-mail. Don’t just think it, or say it to your monitor. It only worked this time, because I happened to start this entry with a little anthypophora. What’s anthypophora? Is it like a rhetorical question? Am I doing it right now? Is this all apostrophe? Why do I write like this?

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God’s word will stand the test

December 23rd, 2008 by Me
God's word will stand the test
“Thou shalt not make stray marks upon thy scantron”

What a surprise. Here we go again with the God worship. The church sign treats God like He’s God’s gift to religion. Well, God, it may sound a bit clichéd, but it’s time to step up to the plate and put up or shut up your money where your mouth is talking the talk and start walking the walk. So take your pencils out and put your books away, because it’s time for a… POP QUIZ!

The following test consists of 10 short-answer questions encompassing a variety of subjects. It is an adaptation of James Lipton’s adaptation of Bernard Pivot’s adapted Proust questionnaire, as it appears on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Each question is worth a possible 5 points, with partial credit being awarded when appropriate. Please answer in the spaces provided. You will have 10 minutes to complete this test. You may begin. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tell Trouble How Big Your God Is!

May 7th, 2008 by Me
Tell Trouble How Big Your God Is!
My God’s a grower, not a shower

Wait, don’t tell me. I think I’ve heard this one. Your God is so big that he had to rest on the seventh day. No? Hmmm… Your God is so big that his eleventh commandment was a large deep dish pepperoni. How about, your God is so big his body is made of bread and wine. Ok, wait, I’ve got it. Your God is so big they had to crucify him horizontally. Your God is so big he turned water into syrup. Your God is so big he resurrected himself to have seconds. Your God is so big people say Grace to thank him for sharing a little food with the rest of us. Your God is so big he can only walk on water with salinity higher than 35 ppt.

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A Family Altar Alters Lives

April 30th, 2008 by Me
A Family Altar Alters Lives
And a Natalie Portman altar alters pants.

Don’t throw away that Motorola Razr quite yet, because the church sign has just made homophones cool again. (Note to church-goers: homophones are equivalents in pronunciation without equivalence in spelling or meaning.)

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Office Depot® Inkjet Paper, 8 1/2in. x 11in., 24 Lb., 108 Brightness, Ream Of 500 Sheets

April 15th, 2008 by Me
Inkjet Paper, 8 1/2in. x 11in., 24 Lb., 108 Brightness, Ream Of 500 Sheets
Discreetly wrapped like a brick of hash and delivered to your door.

If you’re one of the many still waiting to make the jump from papyrus to paper, wait no more. No, I’m not trying to push some inferior parchment or vellum on you. Rather, thanks to the fine folks at Office Depot®, you can now easily transition over from your trusted reed-based material and reap the benefits of our logging industry. You’ll notice a marked improvement in the quality of your inkjet prints and really, you owe it to the spotted owl.

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Trying Times No Time to Quit

April 7th, 2008 by Me
Trying Times No Time to Quit
Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

Thus saith Philip Morris. Seriously, whudafxup with the church sign? The church sign sometimes inspires (more so for managing to spell a word correctly than for the actual message content), often begs for church attendance (¿Do you want to buy some chicle?), and always entertains (I’m easily entertained). But never has the sign been pro tobacco.

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Don’t wait 4 6 men 2 carry u 2 church

March 22nd, 2008 by Me
Don't Wait 4 6 Men 2 Carry U 2 Church
2 legit 2 wait.

Who has time to wait for six men anyway? Some of us are still waiting for one good man. You take it on faith; you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part. But let’s give Jesus the benefit of the doubt here and assume these six men not only exist but they’re on their way over, palanquin in hand. You better believe I’m going to wait for them. They go to all that trouble and I’m supposed to run off to church ahead of them? W.W.J.D? I’ll tell you W J wouldn’t D. He wouldn’t give in to the devil’s temptations, he wouldn’t vote Republican, and he wouldn’t ditch the six guys who went out of their way to give him a ride to church.

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R. H. Forschner 8-Inch Chef’s Knife, Black Fibrox Handle

March 18th, 2008 by Me
8-inch Chef's Knife
With writing on the blade, just like Frodo’s chef’s knife!

Okay, I’ll confess, I have no idea who R.H. Forschner is, nor whether he’s truly eight inches. What I do know is that the man or woman uses two initials, and that’s never a bad thing. J. K. Rowling, G. I. Joe, V. I. Warshawski… all great people and all great makers of knives. These are big shoes to fill, but this eight-inch chef’s knife does the job admirably. Bear in mind, however, that a knife should not be stored in a shoe for prolonged periods of time. While this is a drawback, it’s a problem I’ve found common to all knives, so I can’t really fault the Forschner in this respect.

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Do What U Can God Does What U Can’t

March 14th, 2008 by Me
Do What U Can God Does What U Can't
Anything U can do, God can do better.

Republicans dust off your anti-Kerry flip-flops and hold them aloft, because Jesus, like Prince in a one-night-stand, has changed his position.

Just last week, this very same church sign was urging us all to “Get off the pew and do!” Now that’s the sort of rhyming, faith-based call to action that I, doers of Dew, and Bucket List aficionados can get behind. For a week I felt unstoppable. I was doing everything and everyone in sight. Schlemiel! Schlamazel! I was rockin’ the vote and takin’ names. But now the wind has left my sails. This new message leaves me cold, and probably needing legal help, or at least a good fake ID, after last week’s pew-less doings.

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